I am a work in progress. I was perfectly made. I am working to align my heart with this truth not just what I see in the mirror. It does not mean I donʼt have to stop trying to improve what I see in the mirror but I am aligning it with the fact that others donʼt see me the same they see my heart so if I align my heart that I am perfectly made I can let go of Iʼm not good enough.
They say do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. But why am I so ashamed after working for 20 years to be a stay home mom. Why is my constant pain merely money. Why am I not praised for staying home and giving up consumerism.
Why am I shamed to feel guilty because I don’t have an income. Why am I wrong for finally being happy but I feel ashamed for not being able to provide ballet lessons for my daughter or that my son will probably need to take out student loans to pay for college. I am shamed for not producing a student athlete out of our home when that’s what you do when you’re poor.
I worked on my Associates Degree while working full time and raising my children mostly like I was a single parent. But I am not praised or represented as a great person. No one knows my accomplishments because I don’t advertise. I am trying my best just to be a good mother. Learning from my mistakes and trying not to make more. I just want what is best for them without feeling like a failure because I choose to stay home. Because for the first time in my life I feel at home. I feel less angry all the time. But now I get to deal with this guilt. Guilt because I don’t have extra money to engage in extracurricular activities.
My children are smart and funny they are well rounded and they have love. They’re going to go out in this world and be successful with what I try to give them.
Isn’t that a great measure of success? Isn’t that something to be celebrated. Then why do I feel like such a failure. My story is just as good because it is mine. I’m not trying to compare mine to others. I am who I was meant to be. Isn’t that enough? Can’t I just be proud of the beautiful people that I get to watch grow up. That’s not failure. That’s my success.
O.k. beginning of a new year and New Year’s resolutions? None! Especially since I myself woke up after spaghetti and cookies to have gained 4 pounds. Then what do I do the next day but bake cinnamon rolls. I am a gluten for punishment. I have watched others work and loose weight inches and I continue to stay the same weight refuse to pay for a personal trainer and hence I will stay the Semi- fit mom.
I continue to workout 4-5 days a week I have my routines and my fitness level has definitely improved so I will continue to bake with my kids and enjoy my life.
You could say that about me for that matter. I am currently under construction. I have been trying to lose the Freshman 40 for the last 20 years. Here is my attempt to amuse you while keeping my head and raising 4 kids. Hope to have more soon.
As I sit here wondering what in the world would grasp your attention and provide my ego a much needed lift I contemplate what I can tell you. The things that have come in and out of my mind these past few years. How to make more friends and why I feel like I am alone in a sea of acquaintances. The stories that I have been told to share because they seem to only happen to people like me. The biggest reason being that if I could help at least one person not feel like they are a complete mess then I have done what I was meant to.
Where do I start? Yes I said semi fit because even though I have been working out for the last 4 years I have not lost any weight. I have however changed the way I look. My belly is flatter and my face but I still can not step away from the Oreo Blizzard or Chocolate Chip Cookie. I refuse to believe that my life is better without sugar. I understand miserably that my body is not equipped to handle sugar (I have attended a nutrition class) I know that when I eat pizza I am going to put back 2 lbs before my body is able to process and I am back down after a day or two. And the fact that I have had 2-3 cookies the last two nights in a row that I am back up 3 lbs and I changed my workout routine again. However I am realizing that the reason why I wanted to start writing was to help. To reach out beyond my limited base of social network to those that may be in need of something to laugh at.
I am blundering about my life and I am the one that had a kid at 20 didn’t finish college. Put myself entirely into my first marriage without any friends then realized that my ex was not who I was meant to be with. I was insecure and unhappy in a career I never chose and even though I was in one of the worlds best city I was miserable. I mean come on how can you live in San Francisco and be miserable? I was because I was in a relationship that was one sided so I never got to go out with friends or be anything but a mom. I wanted a career in Acting and although I was starting. I didn’t have the ability to leave my son. So I was there for everyone but myself. I never lived for me in the first 9 years of my adult life. I was so insecure that I filled myself with a fantasy of a guy I had a crush on in high school whom I didn’t even have a relationship with. I lived to take care of my ex and my mother and my son and never left anything left for myself. I heard people tell me I needed to do something for me but I really didn’t understand what that meant. I only knew how to be a mom. I smothered myself and almost lost myself entirely. It was a terrible life. My ex didn’t really know how to deal with me and he had his own issues. I am not here to bash him. If I started this blog 16 years ago I TOTALLY would be bashing him but it’s been too long and I have too much going for me now. Even if I am not a wold famous actress.
Where am I going with all this? There are no recipes no life altering advice no fitness advice but I’ll share my ups and downs and if you are still here I hope that you have a good laugh and maybe a roll of your eyes or shaking your head. So this is just the beginning but currently I have to pick up my two younger kids. The other two are too big to be picked up. Before I go for now. I have a son that just turned 24 he’s out there in the world attempting to be his own person. I have a 16 year old son who is driving himself to school and it makes my stomach turn but we have to let them grow. I can’t protect them forever. Those two are from my first marriage. I was blessed with a daughter that I thought I really didn’t want but she’s turning into my life saver. She is 8 and my youngest son is 4. So yes that is 8 years between each of my first three children. What in the world was going through my head are stories for the future. I will leave you with this. If you are muddling through and you feel like you are drowning. It will change. I thought I would never get to this point. I thought I wasn’t worth it, but now I have the life I dreamed about. I am not rich nor do I have all the perfect clothes I desperately want but I am loved by my family and I made it and SO CAN YOU.